


an end.

by brdbee



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-16
Updated: 2015-02-16
Packaged: 2018-03-13 06:07:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3370682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brdbee/pseuds/brdbee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seungri is angry at the human mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	an end.

He panted softly as he stared into Seunghyun's eyes, enraptured by the gaze. Seungri's fingertips grazed lightly along his cheek and he grunted softly at the sudden shallow thrust. By now Seunghyun knew him far too well, nudging and brushing exactly along the right spot, slowly rocking Seungri into a bliss all too familiar by now. His thighs quivered, body flushed as he came. This was Seungri’s favorite moment. When Seunghyun would quietly murmur that he loved him. Except it didn't come as the man above him reached his climax, face buried against Seungri’s shoulder blade. The pleasure quickly washed from his body, heart dropping at the silence.

It's been a few weeks since Seunghyun became distant. Their days were the same but different. Where Seungri supplied words of comfort and love, Seunghyun returned silence. Seungri didn't mind, he knew sometimes he had to work hard for Seunghyun’s love and affection. He knew sometimes it was difficult for Seunghyun to express himself, that sometimes Seunghyun just needed to be alone. And he supposed it began before it was staring him dead on the face. Back when Seungri didn't feel the need to hear the words "I love you" to know it was true.

Still, with shaking hands he reached to stroke over the silver locks of Seunghyun’s hair, humming softly to a tune he’s been working on. A song for them. Seungri could belt out albums within a week but the song in his heart for Seunghyun has taken weeks, and then months, and then almost a year. Seungri now knew that maybe half of their love had burned too quickly. Tears prickled at the corner of his eyes but he blinked them away, controlling his breath slowly. He knew by now the exact moment when Seunghyun fell asleep because it was the only time when his body relaxed in his arms these days.

"Sweet dreams," he mumbled to no one in particular, luck thrown into the air of Seunghyun's cool room.

Seungri didn't know why, but he never acted as if anything was wrong when he knew there was. He was a welcomed guest in Seunghyun’s home, whenever he wanted to be, at whatever time he wished. Seunghyun was rarely around. Seungri acted like nothing was wrong as he filled the refrigerator with different prepared meals to hold Seunghyun through the week. Seungri acted like nothing was wrong as he washed dishes and hummed along to his songs. Seungri acted like nothing was wrong when he would leave the villa at three in the morning, scrolling through all the messages he left for Seunghyun in his phone.

Maybe Seungri had been overbearing, maybe he had demanded far too much from a reserved Seunghyun. Maybe Seunghyun stopped liking him that one time Seungri forgot to text before falling asleep. Maybe if Seungri wasn't crying silently while staring at the spot of paint peeling on his wall right now... maybe something could change between them. The soft beep of his phone made him flinch but he reached for it nonetheless, eyeing the clock on his bedside table, bottom lip worried between his teeth when he saw the time.

 

<< we need to talk >>

 

He cradled his phone between his hands and stared at the text message until the screen went black.

 

<< sure hyung! see you tomorrow? ^^ >>

 

Seungri swore up and down to himself that he could feel his blood rushing, flickers of pain running from his elbow to his wrist, stomach twisting. His body was humming restlessly as he waited for Seunghyun. He tapped his fingertips gently at the soundboard in front of him before getting back to work, headphones blasting his finished work. Maybe Seungri was giving himself one last desperate attempt, maybe he was hoping that what he had been working so hard on would change Seunghyun’s heart. He heard the doorknob twist as his song came to an end, swallowing the ever growing lump in his throat for courage. At least he hoped he would have a voice.

"Hey," Seunghyun said quietly, closing the door behind and taking a seat on the swivel chair.

"Hi!" Seungri’s voice was slightly too loud, too sharp, too panicked. And he flinched. "Hi..."

His palms pressed flat against the desk, knowing that if he didn't stop himself he would end up twisting his fingers together nervously. He still hoped every worry about what they would talk about belonged to his mind and his mind alone. But Seunghyun knew Seungri too well, and their surroundings weren't ones where either would be able to express themselves loudly.

"I—" Seunghyun started quietly, head shaking suddenly as he heaved a sigh. "This is difficult."

His chair swiveled and he reached to move Seungri’s as well, making them face each other. Seungri didn't have anywhere to hide his hands, pressing them instead against his lap as he met Seunghyun’s calculated gaze. He wanted to tell Seunghyun that it was okay, that he could tell Seungri anything that was on his mind. He wanted to tell him that he wouldn't think any different of him. Seungri wanted to say it but his lips didn't part, didn't obey.

"I don't think we should see each other anymore," Seunghyun finally breathed out quietly, eyebrows furrowing together.

Seungri’s head dropped forward, hanging slightly, staring at the fingers that he ended up twisting together anyway. Those stupid tears prickled against his eyes and he wasn't sure if he was angry or upset. He didn't have time to blink them away this time and he felt each drop against his hands, sight blurring. When he breathed again it was shaky, chest shaking and he knew his voice would break if he spoke but that was the only way Seungri knew how to live.

"I understand," it was a breathless whisper, a lie as his chin quivered in an attempt to hold back a sob that was building up in his chest.

He didn't understand. Not really. Seungri thought he had been great to Seunghyun. He could remember their shy beginning as if it were yesterday. Could remember Seunghyun’s fingers slowly but surely making their way to his own. Seungri could remember that kiss against the dark and damp dressing room bathroom. He remembered when they both finally said the words aloud and decided to start a relationship. Seungri had been great. He took care of Seunghyun in a way he never did before. Made sure to sprinkle affection behind each of his actions. Seungri cooked meals for him, comforted him, opened up in ways he never had before for him.

Seungri could remember almost every detail and word vividly. The heated whispers against his skin when they made love for the first time and Seungri was so lost he couldn't tell the difference between up or down. He remembered their conversations in the dark about secrets they only entrusted to each other. And he remembered the way he learned about himself as well.

Seunghyun’s blurry shoes shifted and Seungri heard him stand, watched as the shoes moved and heard the click of the door behind him. His song— their song— looped back again to replay and Seungri finally sobbed.

"Goodbye."

* * *

Seungri wasn't bitter when he saw Seunghyun’s smile return during dance practices. He wasn't bitter when he heard Seunghyun flirting playfully with the dancers. He wasn't bitter when he started coming out to play with the rest of them more often. Seungri acted like everything was fine when he was around others, but he broke down into tears every night. He thought too much and sometimes not enough. And Seungri decided he hated the human mind that decided the specific time when it would make the heart stop loving. He decided he hated Seunghyun’s mind for dictating that he didn't want to love Seungri anymore. He decided he hated his own mind for deciding that Seungri needed to stay in love. And no one asked Seungri if he was okay because Seungri decided that he had to be strong. Seungri decided that he had to laugh with everyone else at the right times, smile until time to go home came. He was grateful he didn't live in the same apartment as any of his other band members or he wouldn't be able to be so sneaky. Seungri wasn't bitter because Seunghyun seemed happy again. Seungri was bitter that in the end he had been Seunghyun’s problem.

Seungri waited. He waited months for his mind and heart to stop. He knew how to act on stage, knew how to act in front of cameras. Seungri waited and slowly it became easier. He could spend a few hours without thinking about his relationship with Seunghyun. Could spend nights and nights without any tears staining his cheeks. And after a final squeeze, his heart finally shed the last piece of Seunghyun inside. Seungri became himself again. Seungri didn't hate his mind anymore.

And maybe their love did burn far too fast. Maybe they said everything they had to say too soon. Maybe it was like a wild fire that no one could control. And maybe Seungri just had more woods in his heart and more bridges that had to burn than Seunghyun.

And maybe months later, without meaning to, as their eyes met... the fire sparked alive again. 


End file.
